


Always

by MissRaichyl



Category: That '70s Show
Genre: Angst, Early Season 8, F/M, Fighting, Fix-it fic, Getting Back Together, Rekindling, Romance, Song fic, jackie-donna friendship, jackie-eric friendship, like episode one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-16
Updated: 2018-07-16
Packaged: 2019-06-11 07:29:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15310461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissRaichyl/pseuds/MissRaichyl
Summary: I thought I could say it once and then she’d just know, but girls are freaking weird. They have to be told daily or something. Jackie was always so uppity and vocal about her feelings and then when she asked for a little bit, I refused to even budge. Wasn’t saying I love you enough? But, losing her like this… this is worse than her staying around and us fighting every day. This was her just gone.





	Always

**Author's Note:**

> inspired from Bon Jovi's Always. I kept listening to a cover of the song and couldn't get the Jackie-Hyde vibe out of my head and have been trying to write this for ever. I think Steven is one of the hardest characters to write in because I kept trying and his mindset is so closed off, like we never really know what he's feeling and getting into that mode, to actually talk about emotions was so difficult... so I hope this doesn't seem OC completely. I might add more to it later or fix it up a bit but I'm just really excited to finally post it.

“No, you know what, Steven?” Jackie turns back around from the stairs leading to the kitchen. Her arms holding the box of stuff that Sam had thrown out... the stuff I tried to keep. My eyes eventually find Jackie’s, her mismatched eyes glowing with anger, ready to round on me, probably throw a kick in too.

I stare at her from my chair, twisted around to look at her through the shade of my glasses, not giving away anything. I’m not surprised she’s taking the bait. I figured a long time ago that the best way to get through any fight with Jackie was just to fight it out. You can’t pressure Jackie, you can’t lead her, you just have to withstand her storm and hope you don’t have bruised shins in the end.

Looking her over now, I realize just how much time has passed between us. It wasn’t just the final battle to end the fight once and for all, it was the fact of how long it had taken to reach this point... how long it has been since I had seen Jackie face to face. When Sam has come into the picture and Jackie had disappeared. 

Jackie’s hair is longer and I remember when we were younger, when _she_ was younger and fawning over me and my Zen ways, but how far that time was from now. It struck me that we had gone a while without talking when we had talked everyday over the course of three years, even if it was only through a phone.

Of, course I knew what was going on with Jackie, I made no attempt to learn of it, though I don’t know why Foreman was keeping me updated in the first place. I was with Sam now, despite the weirdness of it.

According to Foreman, Jackie had permanently moved to Chicago, apartment and everything. To me, I think that says something that Kelso and Jackie are the first to establish themselves outside of the group and get their own place. Hell, Kelso has a family and Jackie’s filling out forms and signing contracts, though Donna has been trying to convince her to come back, but even I knew there was no coming back.

I know Donna is also peeved at me, but Jackie was the starter of all this back in the hotel room, not me or Sam, no matter how much they want to throw the blame elsewhere... but for the group, I would fight it out with Jackie... for Donna and to get her off my case. That means I have to see this through and push away whatever lingers between us, to get back to the beginning... if that still existed.

Now I just have to deal with an angry woman of 5’2” glaring me down like I just took and burned all the unicorn dolls in the world. That’s what I was prepared for but Jackie doesn’t bother. She’s shaking her head, looking at me with all the Zen she learned, cutting me off from her completely.

I should be proud, right? But it nudges me, that she’s using it against _me_. I never thought I would see Jackie this mad at me, so mad that she wouldn’t even fight it out. Toward me, she always screamed and kicked and that I could handle, but this was different. Her eyes were just empty, blank like the anger had been put aside, an anger that she didn’t even want to deal with.

Her eyes lock with mine, no understanding that used to come through her. I can’t get any reading and I can’t even admit that it scares me. She adjusts the box on her hip, her voice low and void, “I can’t believe I wanted to marry you.” They’re sharp words. Words that pack a punch, meant to dig in like knives when uttered from her to me. Jackie, who had chased me for months to get married, to confirm just an idea of a future, saying this. They left me lost, like she K.O.’ed me. I couldn’t even react.

I didn’t know I could feel from words she said anymore. I was always a one woman guy and now there was Sam. There wasn’t room for Jackie and yet those words hurt me much more than the biggest fight I had had with Sam… because Jackie’s voice was void, she didn’t care. She didn’t care if it hurt me or not. She didn’t have any feelings toward it. For her, it was as if it was an observation instead the lethal weapon it was. With that one sentence, she had cleared me out of her system, and I almost wish that she would fight it out with me, because if she did that, then maybe, at the end of the road, there was another chance.

Damn it, why is she kicking up these feelings? I shove the thoughts back away to where they need to be. Far from my current reality.

Donna jumps out of her seat, bringing me back to the present where I turn back around to the tv, watching from the corner of my eyes as Jackie doesn’t any waste energy and just continues up the steps, leaving us behind, her curls bouncing as she goes as if taunting me, that she got the last word... I tell myself that’s what bothers me.

I sit back in my chair and adjust my glasses.  _Whatever._ “Hyde…” Donna’s voice echoes around me, “I’m sure she didn’t mean that.” _Yeah, whatever. I don’t care._ Her peacemaker mode starts up, wanting to bring the group together, to keep us together for another day. “Just give her some space, yeah?” She tells me absently as she heads for the stairs, probably to try to reason with Jackie. _Not like I care._ I tell myself again, my foot starting to bounce with restlessness at this.

Give Jackie space? There was nothing but space between us! Jackie can’t have an effect on me anymore. She can’t. I won’t bleed because of her anymore. She didn’t have my heart since that night. She didn’t have any part of me. I look around and grow annoyed and agitated. No matter how much I repeated that to myself, I couldn’t stop myself from getting up and reaching for my keys. I can’t fight the sense Jackie left, the memories she left behind circling me. That was the problem. I have to get out of here. I can’t deal with this right now. I didn’t need to figure Jackie out anymore, she wasn’t my problem.

My feet jump into motion, ready to run away- no, I didn’t run away... I didn’t run first I tell myself and my feet take the stairs, voices drifting toward me, as if I need to hear her right now and yet I follow her voice, cold and sweet. My eyes find her by the Vista Crouiser, Donna at her side.

“Jackie, you didn’t mean that,” Donna tries to reason with the tiny brunette. I realise that it’s hard listening to a conversation halfway through. It’s like working on a puzzle with half the pieces missing. 

“I’m done discussing this, Donna.” Her tiny hands shut the trunk with more force than necessary and there she stands, facing me but her eyes stare into Donna’s and now I see her looking like she’s ready to break but yet, like she is made of stuff far stronger. “I’m done walking around here like everything is fine when it’s not.” She points out and I wish she would stay, even though I shouldn’t. “You know he doesn’t care anymore.” Her words are stressed and her hand combs through her hair. Her tick, showing her agitation without being obvious. I see Donna’s shoulders lose their fight, giving up at trying to reason with Jackie, “I was never really part of it all anyway.” Jackie says, looking back into the house, before getting over whatever thoughts are circling in her head.

It occurred to me that maybe Jackie was running away too... needing to get away for a bit before dealing with this. I used Sam as a means, but Jackie didn’t have that. Maybe this was her way of moving on. _From_ _me_. “I’m leaving once Eric drops me off at the bus station.” She says as Eric comes out from the house, swinginghis keys over his fingers, oblivious of the tension, “Are you coming or not?” Jackie asks.

“Jackie…” Donna starts in as she opens up the passenger side door, “you can’t just leave for good.” _Wait, for good? What the hell was that about…?_ I hate that I missed the conversation, or that I stayed to listen. Why did I listen? I shouldn’t want to hear her voice- I should be thrilled at being rid of her and happy with chill Sam downstairs but it bugs me, what Donna said. Slowly, it comes to me, what she meant. Jackie didn’t just get a place in Chicago... she’s signing contracts, picking up her stuff… she wasn’t just running away, she was clearing herself out.

I stare at her, her back to me when I want to see her face, her eyes. I need to read her and see what she is thinking. She’s leaving it behind now, isn’t she? She’s not just avoiding me or being tired of it- she is done. My feet move forward as Jackie turns to get in the backseat and I have to fight my feet to not walk forward anymore and demand an explanation, but this is Jackie, I remind myself, full of empty threats to get her way. _She’ll be back in a week_ , I tell myself because Jackie never really stays away, always just empty threats.

.

Donna, Eric, and I sit in the basement. The Price is Right playing on the TV and all I can think about is that summer, when Jackie and I started this whole mess. Where it started and ended... the same as Sam who left.

And now without Sam to distract me, I keep reliving moments with Jackie down here like she’s ghost. Gone yet Jackie assaulting me everywhere I turn. Even the freezer assaults me with memories. Without Sam to be my reason to close the Jackie chapter, I can’t lock it back up. I’m in my own personal hell as two months pass, and then another. Days pilling up since I last saw Jackie leaving the Foreman’s in Eric’s car.

It wasn’t an empty threat.

“Well, I’m going to go call Jackie, because I’m not afraid to care.” Donna says, tossing down her magazine and standing up. I know she’s pointedly talking about me. She doesn’t hide when she’s angry even if it can hurt. Which it does, but it’s not like I’m going to show it. Even though I say I don’t care, at this point, hell, I miss her.

I didn’t think she would stay gone like this. I know Jackie is hot-headed, always making decisions and then going back on them, but this time, she stayed with it and though a part of me is proud of her deciding to live her life and focusing on her, I drowning here without her. Donna must’ve told her that Sam left, though there is no way for me to figure that out. As far as I know she doesn’t ask about me and why would she? As bad as she did me, I did it back to her. She confirmed my fears and I turned her dreams against her. Neither intentional yet still just as painful and more than enough reason to keep us apart... because we didn’t fit no matter how much Donna wanted everything back to normal. I can’t bring myself to go after her again and so much time has passed now that I could be the only one feeling this. She’s had time to move on and maybe that’s why she doesn’t come back, because she doesn’t want me anymore… but... if she was over me, wouldn’t she come back? I try to calm myself, remind myself why Jackie and I couldn’t happen and Foreman’s voice proves a good distraction.

“Donna, come on,” Foreman says from his place on the couch, bringing me back to the blonde giant staring me down, but Donna isn’t letting this go, and it’s giving me uncertain hope.

“No, because you know what?” Donna’s voice cracks, getting emotional, “Jackie is part of the circle,” I remember so many time when we tried to lock her out when she kept coming back and then her words by the car... that she was never really a part of it anyway and why was I getting emotional? “Not because Kelso or Hyde but now she’s gone and I guess you don’t care,” She looks specifically at me, “but I’m not going to let our circle get trashed because one guy can’t man up.” She turns on her heel, grabbing her jacket in one go and reaching for the door in another.

Silence stretches between Foreman and I for a few minutes after her outburst as Foreman contemplates going after her or not, but he turns his head to me, maybe going after information or maybe curiosity, but I keep my eyes glued to the screen. “As much as it disgusts me,” he starts and I can’t help but sigh, not purely of annoyance but also because I want her back too, but it’s impossible. “Are you and Jackie seriously done?” It’s a simple question and not one I can really answer at the same time. He actually catches me off guard by it and my eyes turn to his, “Because, though I fully believe she is Satan, Donna’s right on this. Jackie’s part of the circle and you’re driving her away.” Why is it all on me? It’s a stupid question but Jackie isn’t free and clear. It wasn’t just me who shafted the group.

“What do you want me to do, man?” I get up from my chair, the restless feeling setting in. He isn’t telling me anything I don’t know, “Grovel at her feet and beg her to come back?” I get a Popsicle from the freezer, taking my time to unwrap it. “She messed up.” I shrug my shoulders, hopping up onto the cold surface, my leg still moving on it’s own. I keep telling myself that so I don’t drive to Chicago and pull her back here. I keep reminding myself of the hotel room and the fight, I keep telling myself too much time has passed and that she has clearly moved on and so have I.

“Like you have never messed up in your guy’s twisted relationship?” I look up at Foreman, shocked that this is when he decides to grow a pair. “Like you didn’t cheat on her? Or refuse to answer her then get hitched to a stripper?” He reasons, pushing me and I want to hit him, pulling out my worst moments and using them like bullets.

“She almost slept with Kelso, man!” I argue back, my Popsicle falling off its stick. Maybe that was a sign of me losing this argument.

“Wow,” Eric says getting up off the couch, his hands flashed toward me, his voice as if I was in the wrong, he laughs with no humor. “If that’s what you think, let her stay in Chicago.” He walks to the door, and I call after him.

“You don’t know, man! Listen-“

“No, I’m good.” He argues back, turning back to look at me, “I’m not telling you to get back with her or not, because I have my own girlfriend to comfort because of your mess. We told you in the beginning that if you guys imploded, we would all be effected.” Foreman says, and I can tell that for once, he is actually mad at me, like everyone is. Well, except Kelso and Fez, but they have their own lives.

Foreman continues on, “I’m saying that if you’re going to judge someone and let it ruin something, at least have all your facts.” He walks away then, leaving like a gaping fish Red just caught. I stare blankly at Foreman’s back as he exits the basement, kind of shocked that he just said that to me and kind of proud. _He’s growing up_. But I can’t ignore the main part of it, that he’s telling me that I’m the one at fault, that I’m screwing it all up, that my facts are wrong. That it’s me splintering the group.

But I was there that night. I saw everything. What do they know about it?

_Oh_ _shit_ , my head turns, spitting out memory after memory of our fights that usually happened because I assumed something, like her comforting Kelso’s fragile ego was her cheating on me and that time with the fries... If Foreman is getting mad at me then maybe there is something I missed and it’s not something I can’t wait out anymore.

_Oh man,_ I run a hand through the curls on my head and head to my room to change shirts. One catches my eye. It’s a black Led Zeppelin shirt, pushed to the back. I hold it up to my nose and faintly, barely hanging on is the scent of Jackie. Somewhere between butterscotch and lavender. I gave this to her a long time ago, for her birthday. How did I not notice this come back to me? She really did give up on me, huh? My lips tug up in sadness as I sit on the bed. I messed up, huh? That’s what they tell me and now, they act as if Jackie will never see a foot into Point Place again. Whenever she was serious, it was always about thing it thought weren’t. Like when she was serious about destroying the tainted Fluffy Cakes and then two days later I found him in the trash can with his head severed or when she was going to bake a cake and the fire detectors went off two hours later. Now she was serious about not coming back. I used to have to remind myself the she was more then just a pretty face, and now I’m having to do it again. Just when did I become the shallow one? 

I let the shirt drop from my hands, quickly changing shirts and heading up to my car to make a long drive down to Chicago. _Time to go fetch a devil in dress_ , I think to myself.

.

I enter the city limits and follow Donna’s directions of where to go which were a lot better than following Jackie’s, though getting her address wasn’t a breeze as Donna is really pissed.

I don’t really know what I’m doing here or how it’s going to go but to myself, at least, I have to be honest and that’s that I miss Jackie and I want her back. Not because we’re a disgusting, twisted couple or because I don’t have her, but because I just miss her.

I miss her cuddled up next to me on my lumpy bed. I miss her trying to cook for me and seeing her improve, beaming when Mrs. Foreman told her that at least we wouldn’t have to have a prescription after eating. I miss her hair tickling my face, the curls teasing my arms as her shampoo stains my clothes and pillows. I miss her laughter and her silly arguments that somehow make sense and I miss the way she’ll take my chair even when I’m in it, my arms wounding around her thoughtlessly. The way we move around each other and talk to each other. Her eyes that somehow seemed to connect to me and how I knew her thoughts inside and out and I want to tell her the things I couldn’t that lost me her... because I wasn’t honest about how I felt, because things were becoming to real, because I couldn’t handle her. Something nobody knows, not even Kelso is that Jackie is a lot... she’s everything I need and more and it’s so much that it can drown me. 

I thought I could say it once and then she’d just know, but girls are freaking weird. They have to be told daily or something. Jackie was always so uppity and vocal about her feelings and then when she asked for a little bit, I refused to even budge. Wasn’t saying I love you enough? But, losing her like this… this is worse than her staying around and us fighting every day. This was her just gone.  

I’ll win her back, no matter what. No more judging her for what might have happened. It’s time to straighten everything out and put it to rest.

I stare at the apartment complex in front of me and it’s nice. It’s brick and white doors, even has porch lights.

I kill the engine and wait a bit, wondering if she is home. It’s almost 9 p.m., she’d be off by now wouldn’t she? I look around and realizing I’m stalling.  _It’s now or never,_ I tell myself and I get out of my car and head up the sidewalk, heading toward Block C, Room 42. Jackie’s place. Probably pink and unicorns everywhere, the place smelling of lavender, everything I know her to be. I kind of smile to myself, remembering the way she decorated my room and how I wished that she didn’t take it down. She opened up parts of me I didn’t even know existed. _Why did I realize that so late?_  

I hear laughter behind me and in confusion, I hide in the shadows of a building right off the path, waiting for them to pass. “No, really,” I hear from the way I just came and it takes a second but I recognize the voice. I know that voice without even looking. _Jackie._ I’d know it anywhere. I turn a little and see her walking down the path with some guy in a brown suede jacket, his hair slicked back and he is smiling down at her. He’s taller than me.

No way she’d already be dating someone. She was the type to… well, I guess I wouldn’t know now. If she moved on, what could I do? _Why didn’t Donna tell Foreman that Jackie was dating? Damn it._

“I don’t believe that, girl like you.” He says, a bit of a southern accent leaking out. He wasn’t from around here it seems. She laughs again, but it doesn’t seem she’s laughing out of enjoyment. It’s a little awkward. _What is exactly going on?_

“Girl like me,” She says with a laugh, pausing by one of the lamplights just a building down from her block. I know her tone, it’s when she wants to end a conversation and from my view point... I look like a stalker. “Well, thank you for walking me home, but I can get the rest of the way.” She says and my ears perk up, _that doesn’t sound like something said between two people dating_. I realize how creepy I’m being but it’s not like I can just escape. I’d be spotted either way and now it’s probably best to see if she needs help, right? Exactly, there’s no reason to back out, I tell myself.

“No way, a gentleman walks the girl all the way.” He responds, Mr. country asshole, can’t he tell she’s not interested? Doesn’t he see he’s being too pushy?

“It’s okay, really. I can see my door from here.” _Should I interfere? Should I not?_ Jackie is tiny, but violent. She can handle things but also, if they aren’t dating, it means I have a chance and that I can’t let go of, so it’s not like hiding out is going to get me points and I have to talk to her at some point or be killed by a blonde giant if I come home empty handed. It’d be best if this tool doesn’t try any moves and get in my way.

“Come on now,” He says, and I move into the pathway from the shadows, though neither notices me. He’s to busy trying to grab onto her hand and she so busy avoiding. He settles for placing his hand on her shoulder and she steps backward, almost into the grass, so he lets it’s drop back to his side. “I just-“

“Hey, darlin’,” I speak up, not letting him explain himself. Jackie looks up and if she’s startled, she doesn’t even show it. Instead she looks relieved. I hold out my hand for her and she calmly walks over to me, like she wasn’t just being pressured by some country bumpkin. I look him up and down, like it was the first time I was seeing him and I haven’t been eavesdropping but he’s doing the same as me.

Jackie, though, steps into my embrace and lets my arm settle around her waist, like it was made to wrap around her. She also snakes her arm around me, grabbing my lapel with her other hand, pressing a kiss to my cheek, “Puddin’ pop! Have you been waiting for me?” She asks, her voice seeming like the Jackie I dated more than the Jackie I had seen last, her voice was a bit high meaning she was more scared then she’s letting on and I glare at the fool for a second before speaking to Jackie.

“Why are you just getting home? It’s late.” I say in response, looking back over at the country dude. “And you are…?” I ask.

“Phillip Reed, I live in Block A.” _A neighbor?_ He continues onward, stepping forward with an outstretched hand, “I met Jackie at the bus stop and offered to walk her home,” he explains and I choose to reject his handshake. A little petty but I don’t care.

“Well, I’m here now so you can go.” I say, giving him a look that could melt, pulling Jackie tighter against me to send a clear message. I push slightly on her shoulders, and start walking without his reply. _Tool._

Then it dawns me that my arm is back around Jackie’s shoulders like it’s nothing, that she kissed me again… I’m scared that that will disappear once I let her go but as soon as we reach her door, she moves first, gathering her keys and unlocking the door.

I take the second to look back, to see if the tool was still there and to my surprise he was, he was basically staring us down. I made sure he knew I knew he was watching us and he turns away, leaving for whatever block he lives in.

“Come in.” She says,  and I turn back around to see the easy going smile from a minute ago gone. “He’ll probably be convinced if you stay a bit.” She says, more to herself than to me, before I didn’t need any convincing.

I follow her in and take off my shoes, as she leaves her heels at the door. I stand at the entrance, hands in my pockets, ready to be scolded or whatever but she drops her keys in a glass bowl and heads to the kitchen. I’m surprised by her nonchalant attitude and then I remember our last meeting where she Zenned me out and suddenly I’m nervous.

I try to distract myself with her apartment, taking the chance to look around and it’s surprising to find the place clear of unicorns. The couch does have pink pillows but everything is mostly neutral, the curtains are white and the couch is a muddled gray. Even the carpet is a washed out white though there is a pink rug. There are some decorations that scream Jackie, like the twinkle lights and some candles here and there.

“Thanks for that.” I hear from the kitchen and follow her voice.

The kitchen has white tile and a white table, brown cabinets, white fridge. It was plain, everything Jackie wasn’t. I wonder how many hours she spends here. The table was covered in binders and documents that Jackie’s trying to tidy up without much luck. It’s almost painful to see this, a place to live that is t lived in. What is she working so hard for? 

“No problem.” I respond, waiting for her.

“Sorry for the mess, I’ve been busy with work.” She explains giving up on it and finally looking at me, and to my surprise there’s no anger.

“Sorry if you didn’t need my hel-“

“No, don’t worry about it. He was being so pushy, I’m actually glad you were there.” She laughs and moves toward the fridge. “You want a drink?” She asks and I nod, watching her pour some water into two glasses. Jackie… she was different. She should be screaming at me for intervening and kicking me out, angry and bristling, but she’s not. She’s just standing at the table, looking through her stack absently. Acting like it was completely normal for me to show up out of the blue like this. Did Donna warm her?

“So, why are you here?”  She asks as she hands me a pink glass. Guess not. I take a sip before meeting her eyes. Now, I could just go ahead and blurt out I love you, but I also don’t think that’s really the best start to this whole mess. It’s not like it would fix it—it certainly didn’t last time.

“Donna really misses you.” I say and Jackie looks unimpressed. “You’ve been gone for a while, she’s worried, you know.”

“Donna was here last weekend, Steven. I think she’s fine.” She says, giving me a look, before looking down at a document on the table. “If that’s all, I have work to do.” She says and her voice is already gone, like she couldn’t care less that I was here. She’s telling me to get out, that it’s done and we’re over. 

“Jackie,” I start and she looks back up at me, her eyebrows raised, like nothing can surprise her and I can’t help it from tumbling out, just like it did last time, “I love you.” _Let me die_. To her credit, she doesn’t explode. She doesn’t do anything. She just stands there, looking at me with her eyebrow raised. Not moving at all. She seems so grown up and I’ve just retrograded. “Shit- that wasn’t how I meant—“

That’s all it takes for her to come back to life, “You love me?” She asks, and I know that I screwed up again. I said it too late again, and I was going to lose her again _._  “You love me?” Now she’s angry, incredulous at my audacity to say that but I had to. I open my mouth to speak but she cuts me off. “So, when I asked you to give me a sign and you couldn’t say anything except ‘I don’t know’, that was you loving me?”

“Jackie—“

“When I tried to explain why Michael was there and you wouldn’t even listen to me, that was loving me?” She runs a hand through her hair and I can’t tear my eyes from her. Now I kind of get why Michael was turned on by angry Jackie but even I know to be a tiny bit frightened by angry Jackie. When the tiny girl gets angry, you get put in your place. It’s what I knew we needed though, back when she decided to leave it all. I should’ve know then that I wouldn’t ever be able to really let her leave.

“When you married a Vegas whore, that was loving me, Steven?” Her laugh is bitter and she looks like she could shed blood. “I think you should leave.” She grabs a binder off the table and walks past me, turning sideways to not touch me and I watch her walk across the living room to a door on the other side, before she slams it shut.

I sigh and run a hand down my face, remembering Mrs. Foreman’s words from once upon a time, _nothing ever worth getting is easy._ But why can’t it be easy? Why does it always have to be hard? 

I heed her words and follow Jackie’s steps to the door to her bedroom. I doubt she’d lock herself in the bathroom. “Come on, Jackie, hear me out.” I say, leaning against the wall. I can’t say that I didn’t picture this outcome when I decided to come here. Jackie often stormed off and locked herself up in a room, unfortunately I was just the one locked out this time.

“Like you heard me out?” _Yep, that’s the Jackie Burkhart I know and god, I’ve missed her._

“Then let’s start talking.” I suggest, “I don’t want to…” I take a moment. It’s never been me to express things. Jackie is aware of that first-hand. It’s why I lost her but now I have to change for her like she did for me. “I don’t want to lose you again.” I finally get out and I want to crawl into a hole. I hate feeling exposed like this. It goes against everything I believe in but I also should step back if I want her back. I caused Jackie to seek comfort in Kelso by not answering her question, by fearing commitment when I knew it would always, always be Jackie.

The answer was so simple I thought that I didn’t have to answer, that she would just know… I should’ve answered her then.

Her door opens and she looks at me, trying to figure me out. “Who are you and what have you done with Steven?” She asks and it hurts a little bit to know that she knows me that well, that I never speak about my feelings, I’m so closed lipped on it that even saying something that basic makes her wonder who I am.

“I’m serious, Jackie.” I tell her, look her straight in the eyes, making sure that this night doesn’t go to waste. She looks at me leaning against her wall, her head poking out of her door, probably contemplating going back in or hearing me out. I guess she decides on the latter because she shuts her door behind her and I follow her into the living room where she sits in this big chair and I sit on the couch.

“Talk,” she says, waving her hand forward, letting me talk, which was probably a first. Jackie was always the talker between us.

“Can I ask what happened back in Chicago?” I ask, wanting to start where it all went south. “Like, why Kelso was naked in your room?”

“Ahh, that which you never let me explain and ran out, not bothering to actually listen?”

“Jackie, please, I…” I trail off not really knowing what to say. I messed up with her and then tried to blame her completely. When I couldn’t, I hid away, sure that we both did things in the downfall and now I was face with a scary truth: that it was me who made the mess. I don’t want to just say that to the face of the woman who tried for months before she finally decided to live her life for her, that I can’t blame her for. She didn’t leave me. I left her.

I stare at her, not knowing what else to do and she lets out a breath, relenting, “I asked Michael to come over because I was alone in a new city and scared, so he said he would to keep me company and we were going to watch movies. He then went to go get ice for drinks I guess, but he left the room completely clothed.” She explains, her hair falling into her eyes as she looks down, fiddling with her nails, “you know the rest.”

_So that’s what happened…_ “I’m sorry, Jackie.” I say, and I am. “I just… when it comes to you and Kelso, I loose my head because you went back to him—“

“So you just expect that of me?” Her voice lets me know that that hurts her. I know it does... ever since the incident with Annette, even when she came back to me, even when she explained it all... I still don’t know why I’m like this with her. “Why do you put me in that box of yours, Steven? I’m close to Michael, I’ve explained this to you before, that I don’t love him that way, not anymore and I’m Betsy godmother!” She fumes and I almost smile, the way we’re already back in our grove. “How low do you think of me that you’d think I’d sleep with her father especially after all that’s gone down?” That smarts, I think and I rub my neck, knowing I messed up and now I have to pay for that, but still, I can’t help it.

“I know,” I say, putting my head in my hands, as I hear her get up.

“Do you? Do you know, Steven?” I look up at her, and I know then that she still loves me. It’s in her eyes, her watery voice. The fact that she wants me to know with zero doubt that there would never be anything between her and Kelso, that there’s no worry at all.

“Jackie, of course I know, it’s just that Kelso was naked—“

“Because he’s Michael, Steven! I don’t know what was going through his mind because he can be crazy! But god, you didn’t even trust me enough, you assumed and ran out just like last time.”

“I know,” I say again. _God, it was my fault,_ this dawning on me like that. That Foreman has to talk me to reason, that I was that far gone.

“You with your crazy assumptions about me even though you’ve dated me long enough to know who I am!” She says and her voice is thin and wavering, like the flood gates are finally going to open like they should’ve months ago. It’s strange but her voice, hoarse like this is one of my favorite sounds because it’s her core, it’s pure and raw Jackie emotion. It’s the truest thing I know. “Do you get how much that hurts me? And the aftermath of it? The fact that you ran away from marrying me or just a sign that there was hope we’d get married? And then you married a stranger?”

“If it makes you feel better, it wasn’t a real marriage. Her husband came and picked her up.” I explain, and from the look on her face, I can see that this isn’t the time to explain that.

“It’s the fact of the matter, Steven.” She argues.

“Jackie,” I say and she looks at me as she sits back in her chair, curling her legs up. I scoot over to be next to her and take her hands. “I…” I run my thumb over her knuckles, thankful she didn’t pull away from me. “There’s no price that I wouldn’t pay for… you know,” I look at her and she’s looking at me, her mismatched eyes searching mine. “I’ve made mistakes, Jackie. I’m just a man who is scared to lose you without telling you…” _Oh, how can I say this?_ My voice sounds like hers a minute ago, thin and raw and I know that it’s because of the emotions, the god damn things. Just like in Donna’s room, when I first confessed to her, I can even feel the tears behind my eyes, waiting. “It’s cheesy as hell and if you ever tell anyone I said this, I’ll deny it to my grave, you hear me, woman?” I watch her as she nods, knowing already that we’re back together like we were always meant to  be. We weren’t mismatched at all, I was wrong. 

“I love you a lot and even if you really leave me one day, like really leave and meet someone else, I’ll still be there for you, always, okay, Jackie?” I see the tears leak out of her eyes first. “I’ll work on my issues with you and Kelso and I promise that I know who you are, it’s just, honestly, I watched you with Kelso for a long time, holding you and saying words to you that I would say next, those words that are mine now, I know, but it’s hard to know that I’m not and never will be the first guy for you.” My hand reaches of its own accord, my thumb across her cheek, the wetness of the tears staining my finger. Her legs fall to the ground and she scoots forward, unfolding herself and reaching for me, wrapping her arms around my neck and pulling me close.

“I’ll say it more often and I’ll even get you a damn ring if need be, but I want to be with you, okay?” I say into her hair, the lavender smell surrounding me and comforting me. I fall backward into the couch, pulling her along with me so she’s in my lap, cuddling me. Such a familiar thing, so regular and normal yet something I have missed with every fiber of my being that I didn’t even know. 

“I don’t need a ring, Steven, it was never about that.” She says, pulling back to look at me, “it was just about knowing that I wouldn’t lose you and you always just shrugged and said I don’t know,”

“You have a future with me.” I tell her, cupping my hand around the back of her neck to bring her down to me, to quit her fears. I don’t want to be in a position to misunderstand her agian, I don’t want to be the clueless and that insecure. I don’t want her hurting because I’m a dumbass. I don’t want her crying because I can’t man up.

My hand falls to her waist as hers stay around my neck. Her lips move against mine and I can taste her lipgloss, the sticky, sweet flavor on my tongue.

There was no stop and go, no confusing feelings. It was just Jackie and me kissing each other but it was also more than that. It wasn’t about getting into bed. Hell, I doubt that would happen for a while and it didn’t worry me. This is intimacy in a completely different way. Jackie was a love song, always there, bursting and ready to give her love out, and I was the lucky one to receive it.

Her hand moves up to my face, doing that thing that she always does, and I never want to let her go again.


End file.
